i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
