i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
