beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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