OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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