I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize