He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
