There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
You are a genius and a whore.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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