He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
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