i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
He kissed a someone with a penis
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
