I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
How drunk are you?
Completed.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
