Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
