Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize