When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
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