Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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