I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
