So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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