Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
