Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
