New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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