All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
