On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Randomize
