Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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