i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
