i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
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