Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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