totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
