I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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