11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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