I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Randomize