the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Randomize
