Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
