I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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