someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
