I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I want her autograph on my taint
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
