You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
