Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
