Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
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