he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
