so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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