i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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