You smell like stripper and shame
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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