I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
