I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
