In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize