I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Randomize
