just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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