The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
