i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I stole a fireplace last night.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
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