Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
