Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I will pee on everything he values.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
