Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
