i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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