my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
They have beer where we have blood.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize