Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
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