I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
