omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
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