It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
