you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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