youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
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