Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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