another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
