i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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