And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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