I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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