True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
