my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
