My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
cat food counts as protein by the way
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
