Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i just had sex bonerless
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Randomize
