I accidentally burped into my bong.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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