i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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