I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
