my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
