I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize