I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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